Anugerah Terindah Masih Belumku Temui

Assalamualaikum and hye... it's been a year, 8 months and 2 days I've been married. But I have no children yet. Do I have to be sad, pretend to be happy or even try to be patient? I've done everything. I tried my best but sometimes I couldn't. What can I do? If this involves me and myself only I do not mind but my husband wants his own baby, his own children.Ya Allah, gives me strength to face all of these situations. I know getting a child is not my right, if Allah do not give it to me. But it's been a year, and I know there are many lovebirds out there have been waiting for ten to fifteen years ... but even a year, it's hard for me.

This year, two of my sister-in-law and my husband's niece they all give birth to their baby. At first Harraz Naufal, second Megat Iskandar and now Aifa was born on 16th August, we share the same month Aifa! Highfive ~ Aunty loves three of you. Don't grow fast babies. The thing is I am married to the last son of this family. So that I got the title being called 'Maksu'. Of course we've got an attention from them when the last son married, they are sure waiting for the new generation from my husband legacy. I am so depressed. They always asked me...

Maksu~ bila nak bagi baby kat kami...

Maksu bila? Lekat dah ka?

When I got headache... they asked

Lekat apa? Mengandung ka?

That't Malaysian people. You know what? Your words, it's hurt sometime. It's my sensitivity. If I get pregnant of course I will share to you, my parents, my in-laws, my friends and also my co-worker. Ahah! That's when my happiness comes and I'll share it around the world but I couldn't because of what? My happiness will be sadness for those who have no children yet. I have feel what they feel right now.

In Instagram, Facebook all women shared their happiness, their greatness about having a baby. They showed what their children do, what they are eating, the cute face and all. I couldn't handle my eyes on their picture. Tears falling in no time. When they got pregnant, they updated the picture showed two line on pregnancy test. I cried so much. I want it too but I couldn't. Ya Allah,.. it's hard.

My husband, pity for him.

Kepada suamiku, aku mohon maaf akan dosaku. Sudah setahun lebih aku mengahwini dirimu. Tidak aku menduga Tuhan menguji kita sebegini rupa. Abang... aku yang salah. Aku yang tak pandai jaga diri. Jika abang berkeluh, berhentilah menjaga diriku ini. Bunga setaman. Akan aku bantu sehingga dia sah disisimu. Saat itu aku tahu di mana tempatku. Akan aku pulang ke pangkuan mak dan ayahku. Abang... masih belum terlambat untuk kita membuat haluan seperti dulu. Penolakan aku bukanlah kerana aku membenci dirimu, akan tetapi aku tidak dapat memberi anugerah terindah itu kepadamu. Sedangkan jika abang berkahwin dengannya, tentu abang sudah menjadi seorang abah. Abang... maafkan aku.

To my babies

Maafkan ibu sayang sebab tak dapat lahirkan kamu. Ibu tak nak mengharap. Jadi ibu kirimkan rindu melalui doa ibu. Jangan lupa... ibu setiap saat ingatkan kamu. Tak pernah lupa. 

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Anneyo! Do come again. XoXo

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